Dear Señor or Señora,

It has come to my attention that you have left another warning about the visual state of our kitchen. Though a worrying concern I am sure, I would like to take the time to point out a few areas you may have overlooked.
In respects to the kitchen; the bins, though looking as if they are overflowing, have had their lids removed as a result of our own proactive concern for hygiene. If you were to replace the bin lids you would find that the rubbish in fact recedes below the rim of the bin and its liner. Second, for as long as I can remember I have always known the drying racks as being a place for allowing the cutlery, plates and cups etc to effectively dry. I understand they are an obstruction to a surface you don’t actually endeavour to clean, but if you find a more efficient and space-enomical way of drying these utensils (away from the wood based cupboards), please enlighten me.

I must protest that the same argument carries on to the hobs and dining table where, even on occasion when you do clean the kitchen, are unchanged and in the same stained condition as they were before you arrived. Taking into consideration our duties in the Terms and Conditions to keep the property in good working order, it only makes sense that your skills are required for health and safety reasons: disinfecting worktops and areas with products potentially harmful for us – us, who may be inexperienced in using these dangerous substances. I shall return to this subject after a quick quarrel:

The bottles you so noticeably took the time to criticise and mark down as trash are, in fact, my latest art project about alcoholism and the influences it has on suicide victims.

I feel this is my only complaint and I am actually writing to offer constructive feedback and suggestions for better working practices in the future.
I, as well as the rest of the occupants of the house, are more than confident in the running of a house, higher education and the responsibilities that adulthood brings.
Discarding your implied suggestions of inferiority towards us, we would certainly take on the task of disinfecting working areas of the house once they required attention. I am sure you would agree that it would save the university time, money, responsibility and above all it would save them this negative feedback.
If I may put forward a theory as to why our floors are dirty on a Monday morning (aside from the fact it was just the weekend) it is the awareness of the cleaning service that influences such lazy behaviour – a fault on our behalf, we apologise.
However, I would happily take the job if you feel it is beyond your capabilities or constraints. After all, I am a student and we are in a tough climate, money is money and I cannot afford to be choosey. Hell, I might even greet the students with a happy attitude once in a while; it would build a solid foundation of trust with the university, the cleaners and the students – a positive working environment which all successful businesses strive to achieve.

Which reminds me, I would be more than happy to overlook the saggy grouch in the morning if you didn’t simultaneously insult my sociable persona by shitting in my toilet. I am unsure if this is exclusive for our house but a more troubling concern being raised by the majority of residents is this toilet paper scam you have got going on.
I know that budgeting is getting harder and that the £2 Sainsbury’s brand toilet paper is a bit of stretch but I am worried that this is a breach of your contract with your employer. Not only have you taken unscheduled toilet breaks, wasting university time and money as well as our toilet paper, you are essentially stealing from your clientele.
Had I been asked permission to use the toilet I would have more than likely felt obliged to show you the way and offer some of my two ply (the one that doesn’t let your fingers break through the sheet), however you chose to occupy the lavatory at the busiest time of the morning right before a lecture.

Again, I would have overlooked the physical and mental strains I endured during my three hour lecture had you had the decency to hold it in also for the three hours you work a day.
//As a side note, I noticed a grunt as you finished, unsure if this is something that needs to be looked into medically or not but hope you are okay.

I know that going to the toilet in someone else’s bathroom is a personal thing, but when someone takes the initiative to get up unnecessarily early to take a shower before you arrive, I would not expect the comeback to be delivered in such a childish manner. If I recall correctly, you bashed the Hoover against the door of the shower; waking everybody up and making me feel vulnerable on the other side (you can appreciate how claustrophobic the accommodation is).
Furthermore, you left your bucket and mop in the way of the front door. As I went to move it an inch or so out of the way (so I did not hit and spill it through opening the door thus wasting your money and giving you more work), you yelped “excuse me” and engaged in eye to eye contact. At that point I had all the rights to follow through with the argument and express my anxiety about your health and safety – the bucket was left in front of the door, a blatant health risk given the upcoming fire drill, you occupy the stairs chatting and allowing strangers into the house.

I am a forgiving person, if we were delayed in our attempt to vacate the premises during a fire alarm because you gave your family (a stranger to us) access to the interior of the property and began a demeaning and insulting conversation about the students, I might actually laugh it off.
However, it sickens me at night to think that one day it might not be a test. We are not oblivious to cigarette butts you leave outside our doors and are more than aware of the implications of second hand smoking. Not only could a misplaced cigarette cause a serious fire involving the chemicals you use, they are a great irritation and eventual danger to us.

I digress. I have become overwhelmed with emotion that the overpricing of this accommodation – to which my maximum student loan can’t even cover – doesn’t quite seem to live up to expectations. I am not paying for internet and I am not paying for a TV licence, so I struggle to see where household critiquing fits into the grand scheme of things.

I am sure that you leave relevant comments in the comment box which more than likely cover my concerns. Unfortunately these seem to be written in some upper-case then lower-case form of communication which I struggle to understand. In respects to this foreign language; that paper doesn’t give you diplomatic immunity.

Thank you for taking the time to look over some of my concerns, look again, and then obtain an interpreter to translate it for you.
I hope this helps you to pin point and eliminate any false practices in your institution and if so, assists in building a solid foundation for your company’s reputation as cleaners for students.

Yours truly,




P.S. Are the complaints a ‘three strikes you’re out’ thing? Because if they are we want our toilet roles back. Yeah that’s right. We got your fingerprints.

Synopsis:
An animated series following contestants in the 'aleympics', Pint of Olympics is an olympic commentator spoof.
Contestants are regular and irregular patsies in the competition grounds of a pub with the goal of not wasting a drop.
Wasting a drop of alcohol results in wasting a round and failing to win their pride for their country.

The show is to coincide with and promote a new concept of water-friendly beer. Water-friendly production of beer is one route in saving 150 litres of water a day but - communication and production wise - the beer market hasn't yet been tapped into.


Script:


INT. LOCAL PUB URINALS

SHOT OPENS WITH EDDIE AND JON (COMMENTATORS).
A MID-SHOT FROM BEHIND CAPTURES THE COMPETITORS IN THEIR RANKS AT THE URINALS.
THE MEN NEXT TO THE PROTAGONIST, TOBY, HAVE THEIR WATER FRIENDLY BEERS PROPPED UP ON TOP OF THE URINALS WHILE HE HOLDS A STANDARD BEER.

EDDIE
Here we are again at the second stage of the regional “that guy” qualifiers.

JON
We’re here with Toby who’s sporting the standard beer; he’s shoulder to shoulder in his competition now so we expect he'll be well aware of the 150 litres of water in that beer threatening his somewhat, ‘tolerable’ reputation this season.

SHOT PANS THE SHOULDERS OF THE OTHER MEN THEN GOES TO AN EXTREME CLOSE UP OF THE SWEAT ON TOBY’S FOREHEAD.

EDDIE
Yes, and the concentration here tonight is intense; look at his professional stature, not a single twi...

TOBY QUIVERS AND NEARLY LOSES CONTROL OF THE BEER AND HIS STREAM.

JON
Let me just stop you there Ed - was that a shiver?

EDDIE
It was! Amazingly he’s still on two feet!

JON
I’m sure he’ll be looking down at that moustache in relief.

TOBY – PROUD THAT HE REGAINED CONTROL – ELBOWS THE GUY NEXT TO HIM. THIS MAKES HIM LOSE CONTROL AND 'CATCH' THE OTHER MAN.

JON
Oh no! He got overconfident, what a let down... And there goes the 155 litres of water.

150 LITRES OF WATER EXPLODES FROM THE URINAL PIPING ABOVE AND COOLS THE SITUATION DOWN LEAVING HIM IN A DRIP.

EDDIE
What a waste of water there Jon, I just don’t know what to take away from this.

SHOT ROTATES TO REVEAL EDDIE AND JON WITH ELBOWS ON DESK IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM, KICKING THE WATER AWAY.
EDDIE AND JON TOAST THEIR WATER-FRIENDLY BEERS – BRANDED WITH THE MOUSTACHE – CENTRE SHOT.

JON
First the football, then the rugby, the Brits aren't gonna be happy about this...

“DON’T BE A TOBY” AND THE SAB MILLER BRAND APPEARS ON SCREEN WHILE BLURING OUT THE BACKGROUND.